All my life I have been taught that monogamy is the only way to live my life, that life is dictated by a specific set of rules put in place by thousands of years of trial and error. My brain has pondered this logic all my life, whether or not I am to let someone else control me when so often I am the one in complete control of everything. Loss of power is frightening, I have been in multiple S&M relationships and have such a hard time giving up power it literally physically hurts. Being taught this archaic view of how a relationship should look leaves a mark on a man, always striving to be this watchful protector of what is essentially my ward rather than my partner. I don’t want to be a bodyguard, I don’t want to be a bouncer, and I most certainly don’t want a woman who will make me feel as if I need to be ever again. I want a partner who can support me because she wants to, not because she needs to. Who I can trust because I have no reason not to. Who I can feel love and be loved. I am not a violent person, nor am I someone who likes confrontation, and yet I have been taught that if a man even looks at my girl wrong I am to in essence teach him a lesson. For years this is what I did, I assumed this role of someone who is more of a wall for people to hide behind. With my medication I began to rethink this, I rethought it because I simply was not happy. This “pursuit of happiness” being the sole fuel behind most everyone’s actions, I was just beginning to recognize as not only being logical but also necessary to life. Everyone wants to live, somewhere deep in their mind, even if they are depressed. But without a reason to live many succumb to the sweet thought of an eternal rest, the simple thought of an instant end to all negative emotions and actions in their life. With my medication I found that life doesn’t need to be thought of in this way, I used to do things dangerous intentionally, as a result my body is constantly in pain and my mind is full of regret and shame. My actions through my life have hurt myself and others, because I had no reason to live and therefore I did not care. This new medication is helping me more than I understand how to process, I feel good for once in my life, I don’t feel like I did. Bored, I was simply bored, I couldn’t come up with one reason to not just jump in front of traffic but now I can feel. I once saw the world in only red, now its like the world is colorful again. My stoic outward appearance being replaced by my natural childlike whimsy, slowly but surely. I want to be normal, I want to feel normal. I have to find some balance between my logic and my emotions, instead of letting myself turn off my emotions. Emotions suck sometimes, sometimes it feels as if your own body hates you and your mind wants you to suffer. But the suffering is worth it, I never understood why before but I do now. The times when I am depressed, I think of the things that make me happy. Seeing someone I care about, knowing i can trust someone, my younger sibling, I have a cousin that is the most adorable little girl, and above all seeing my mother happy. I have always wanted to help people, I just didn’t know how. I’m learning. I will leave my mark on this world soon, I have always known I would. The only difference is now I know it will be positive. My life is looking up, for reasons that are too early to say just yet, but if all goes according to plan I will have a very long time to talk about it.
This has been Nicholas, signing off for the night. Goodnight.